dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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