I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
