turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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