I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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