im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Randomize
