i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
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yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
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You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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