I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
