I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
