I got chris browned last night
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
