I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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