I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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