I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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