I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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