another moral hangover. fuck.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
