She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize
