he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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