What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
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