So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Acid is not a monday night drug
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
