ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.