Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.