Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
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He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
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Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
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He stole my heart. I stole his identity.