so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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