I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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