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Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
