She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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