your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
