He disabled his match.com account in front of me
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
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