Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
