I accidentally had phone sex last night
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
he thought i was a dude.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Randomize
