even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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