I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
