i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
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I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
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