How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
