Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
