Your dad touched me again.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
