I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Randomize
