I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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