I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
