It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Randomize
