If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
