I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
