I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I want to fling myself into the sun
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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