don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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