it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
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