I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
