thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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