Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
