stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
