it wasn't lemon gatorade
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
