Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
