HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
