Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize
