I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
We have started to decorate penises.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
