she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
