Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
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