I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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