Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
