Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
if i died would you start the facebook group?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
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He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
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I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
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