Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
