I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
